Abraham

President Lincoln was not always such a tall and regal man, as he was once he became president - just in the nick of time to take this photograph. An avid wrestler and woodsman, Lincoln would regularly take canoe trips up and down the Sangamon river. It is said that on one of these trips Lincoln lost his way in a rapid rush of currents. His boat capsized and he was later found by the Illinox tribe. Waking the next day Lincoln - thinking he had been kidnapped - stealthily escaped from the tribe, only to return with his trusty axe - nicknamed Big Steve - and single handedly decimated the entire tribe of 40, including women and children. He then used the souls of the dead to propel himself to instant fame and fortune.

After 10 years of traveling around the world, Lincoln returned to Illinois and found a woman, Mary Todd, who was capable of carrying his now genetically mutated seed. His children came out strong and beautiful - 2 of his children went on to have famous acting careers in England, Sweden and Italy. 3 of his other children, Sally, Samantha and Sonia, ran away together and formed a 3 woman “performance” group that found brief fame in Russia - until their horrific deaths in 1880. The lower halves of Sally and Sonia were never found, and Samantha’s face skin was found sewn on the inside of her vagina.